The big, white chair.

Indifferent to the freckles on my face, I was coerced by my mom to see my family doctor who also happens to be a cosmetic surgeon¹ to get those unsightly dots removed.

When I made the appointment, I also made a note that I wanted to inquire..just inquire about botox. What's the big deal anyway? Yeah I'm young, but that only means I'm curious! And besides, I know some friends who've done it and they look great. So..no harm in asking, right?

I'm surrounded by beautiful faces all the time. It's hard not to look into the mirror and ask, do other people look at me the way I look at those perfect heart shaped faces? Insecurity issues². If a few shots of botox could just allow me those "1-second too long" glances, then I'd feel damn good. And feeling good...is alright in my books.

So what are the social implications? I'm guessing there's nothing major. This over-speculation of botox is probably just a result of my over-speculation of the ideal beauty. But even if it isn't anything major, how would my personality be perceived after? Botox is maintenance work. Would my public image be of a girl who wants to maintain a healthy, youthful look at the risk of health issues³? And if that is the image, is that something I want? Will this image somehow, miraculously make me feel more beautiful inside? I certainly don't want to be seen as a lazy slob!

I would only know the answers to these questions if I had done it. But I decided against it. Well..my mom did. Yeah, she was sitting beside me in the guest chair while I sat on the high, cushiony, white chair ready for my doc's examination. Even with relaxation music in the background, my mom felt uneasy about it. But if it wasn't too out of the budget, she'd probably agree to it, only because even she too, was curious. But in the end, I only went through with the laser surgery. For my freckles. No biggie, I've done it before.

* * *

The next day, my mom began telling me horror stories of plastic surgery gone wrong. One story after another, the next story more ridiculous than the last. Normally, I'd rebel all her warning signs and begin to plot my steps to do exactly the opposite of her wishes in my head. But this time, I said nothing. She knew she got through to me. I hate it when she's right!

In my mind, I knew botox was feasible for me. But as the relentless war of beauty versus character⁴ in my head battles on, I knew that if I had gone through with it, I would've let beauty win. And that would mean that I've let the general public's perception of beauty overshadow my own self worth. This would haunt me forever!

Yet..everyday, I allow it to happen in my unconsciousness. The clothes I put on, the shoes I walk in, the food I eat and the creams I ritually use....they all push the line a little further.

Next...the millimeter that made a difference.

¹ What? You thought I was getting a new nose when I mentioned plastic surgery in my last post? :)
² major.
³ What are the issues even?
⁴ Not that your new nose makes me think less of you. Really. I'll share that story another time.